Monday, February 2, 2009

Things I have learned as a mom.

When a child doesn’t want his picture taken, there is nothing you can do. But most importantly, don’t tell any of them they lost the bribe, in public. If you do, make sure the tables in the studio are bolted down and nobody minds screaming children. Result? 0 pictures.

When you purchase new carpet, you should know who the Queen of Clean is. Result? A few hours of patiently removing BLACK SHOE POLISH from our week old carpet.

When a child kicks a nurse in the head, locks himself in a bathroom and bolts to the exit, that child does not want a shot. Result? Shots.

If you leave your kids home alone, expect damage. Result? Goose egg on one boys head. Broken door to the room of the boy that caused the goose egg. (yes, they are supposed to be old enough to stay home alone)

When you are at a T-ball game and your son tells you he needs to go to the bathroom, find out “what kind” before you send him behind a bush. And don’t hesitate to throw out the underwear! Result? We tried to clean it up, but some things are better left untouched. Poor grounds crew.

When you give a child a real tool set, expect him to use it. Result? Hole in our stucco the size of a basketball.

When inviting guests over, warn them about flying boxes, balls and toys. Injury waivers are also a good idea. Result? New neighbor with a gash across her cheek.

If you don’t feed your children enough yummy treats, they will find their own. Result? Cockroach legs stuck between my sons teeth.

When your child throws up in public, don’t try to run to the bathroom with said child… it leaves a trail. Also important, don’t try to cover his mouth or catch it in your hands. Messy. Result? Never going to that Drug Store again!

When someone calls you “Ma’am” it is not meant to be an insult. Result? Chocolate!

When you tell your son to put the keys in the car, make sure he knows you mean on the seat… not IN the ignition. Result? Car and frightened child on the other side of the street!

When you take your stubborn child, who refuses to get dressed, to church in his underwear, hide some extra clothing in the car to save yourself a lot of explaining. Result? Son got dressed quickly before I could carry him inside.

When you have to carry your crying little boy into school because he doesn’t want to go, don’t let him see you cry. Result? Never had to do it again.

If something is too heavy, don’t try to carry it. Result? Falling over on my hiney with two boxes of paper reams tossed all over the hall. Teachers had to leave the classroom to see what all the commotion was.

If your child’s pants are wet after the Sun Wheel at California Adventure, the ride was probably too scary for him. Result? I don’t know, we never met the person who sat down after us.

When giving Sharing Time in primary, make sure your slip is securely fastened. Result? A slip around my ankles and no way to remove it gracefully.

When you are pregnant, never sneeze more than 12 feet away from the toilet. Result? The fastest running I ever did as a pregnant woman.

If you let your daughter brush your hair, expect pain! Result? See my sisters blog!

When a sticky handed, gooey faced toddler reaches for you, scoop him/her up. Result? The best hug you will ever get.

*** Yes ALL of these things happened to me... except for the hairbrush thing... that belongs to my sis! ***


Sharla said...

Hahahaha! I'm laughing so hard, I'm cyring! Your stories take the cake! I'll have to hear about the cockroach story some day. Gotta love kids!

Bee and Rose said...

Super funny post! I found you via blogismycopilot! You are a class A riot! I feel so much better about my rotten kids now! Ha ha ha!

Love your bloggy!
Will be back...repeatedly...I am a very annoying comment leaving blog stalker...bwahhhaaahhahhahaha!

Brooke said...

Holy Cow! You've learned a lot. I am going to be coming back to see what the outcomes will be to certain things my kids will do.

Jill said...

That is the coolest blog entry I have ever read! Thanks so much for making my day!

heather said...

That was awesome.

Tink said...

OMGosh, these totally made me laugh! Once when we left my daughter WITH a sitter, my son had come home early. He also decided to torment the girls and chase them around the house and try and scare them. Result: Broken door as the girls were scrambling to get away from him. Grrr. This was cute. Thanks for the laughs.

Jillene said...

BWWWWHAHAHAHAHA!! I am busting a gut!! Thanks for visiting my blog!! Yours is great too!!

Jessica G. said...

Oh wow...I think I would have one less child if they got shoe polish on the new carpet! Thanks for visiting and I hope you don't mind me blog-stalking you from now on! said...

HA HA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I don't think I'd heard about all those stories. Just wondering if your neighbor ever came back to visit?
This should be a series.
I love it! Thanks for the shout out too.

Anonymous said...

awww I love this!

Reese said...

I'll have to remember the one about taking the stubborn child to church in his underwear - that's a fantastic plan! Love it! :)