Saturday, March 14, 2009

A Note From Mom

Dear children… I know we recently discussed the issues surrounding the use, or lack thereof, of our laundry room. Regrettably, we still have some things to discuss.

Please remember that serving spoons are NOT shovels and spatula’s are NOT flyswatters. Items in the kitchen must remain in the kitchen and be free from dirt, glue and dead insects.

Also, it is important to keep in mind that I actually use the squirt bottle from time to time and need it to be left in my sewing room. It is not to be used as a water gun, sippy cup or alarm clock for your brother.

For you boys, please aim. Please.

It has come to my attention that there is a mysterious creature spreading boogers on the walls of my home. I know you said that nobody has actually done it, but because I don’t believe in ghosts or aliens, I have to believe it is one of you children. This issue has been very concerning to me. I really do not want to look at, think about or clean plastered boogers from my wall. In addition, they are quite large and remove a fair amount of paint when pried from the wall. Who ever is doing this, please come forward. I am pretty sure the sizes of these things are not normal. We can find you help.

If you find me asleep, please do not wake me to tell me good night, that you can not sleep, or ask me to find your Pokemon cards. Please do not panic. I will wake up and no, I do not want to discuss the fairness of your punishment while I am trying to rest.

If I am preoccupied making dinner, doing laundry or going to the bathroom. Please do not tell your little sister who just covered herself and the rug in yogurt to come find me. Please just clean it up. Well. So I never find out about it.

Please remember that no matter how long you sit on the couch, a lost shoe will not find itself and attach itself to your foot. You will need to get up and look for the shoe yourself. Looking does not conclude after you glance in the corner. Shoes often hide under beds, in closets, in laundry baskets, under desks and at friends houses. Please exhaust all of these places before you come to me asking for help.

Keep in mind that I do not assign your homework. I can not take the homework away no matter how much you don't like it. I will not write a note to your teacher telling her you didn't get it done. She will figure that out. I might, however, post your reaction to the homework on YouTube if you don't calm down.

I promise you, you can not die from walking to school. It is only a short distance. You will be OK. Fresh air is good for you and walking makes your heart healthy. You are not being neglected or deprived of your rightful childhood enjoyments. And yes, it is fair.

Finally, remember, more than anything else listed here, that no matter how much you ignore these requests, you can't do anything that will make me stop loving you. And yes, you are stuck with me FOREVER!!!

9 comments:

Beth said...

okay melt my heart! Isn't motherhood grand??? Yes it is!

Diane said...

I absolutely LOVE this post! You address the mayhem of motherhood with so much flair and style! Someday, your children are going to grow up, read these posts and be quite sure they have the smartest Mom in the world. They just may be right! Great post!

Diane

Kerry said...

again you wonderfully put a smile on my face as I think about all the things that my sweet children do that drive me batty.

That Girl in Brazil said...

I. Laughed. From beginning to end.

-using a spray bottle as an alarm clock
-asking boys to aim (it's a lost cause, dearie)
-getting help for large boogers
- "it is fair"

Bloggy gold, my friend. Hot dang, you're good.

.... still laughing ....

Lisa said...

SOUNDS LIKE MY HOUSE YEARS AGO.

HUGS FROM MAINE

Tina ♥ said...

Very cute! I loved it!! My kids need to hear this. :)

T and T Brunson said...

You are so right on the money!! I didn't know that the spray bottle was an issue in other households as well;) Mine is ALWAYS at least one of those things every day!!

nikkicrumpet said...

I got lost after the "plaster peeling boogers" YIKES I'm so glad mine are grown!!!! Funny stuff...as long as you're on the outside looking in hehehe

Rhonda said...

Loving all the added advice to the kiddos. Best one is the threat to post the tantrums on YOUTUBE.

You are my kind of mother.